I've always had an affinity for love. A Passion and a deep yearning for love.
When I came to learn about love, the love of the Father, the love of Christ I was in awe. I wasn't into fairy tales per se but if there was ever a love story so deep, so thick and tangible it was the God kind of love. Agape, unconditional love, the I don't love you because, I love you despite. WOW!
I was young and curious and pretty analytical. I began to wonder, if this is love, then how come my parents divorced? I had not yet learned that people are fickle minded and I had not yet learned about self-preservation. All I knew was that they shared some words, to their families and to God...a promise that says I will love you forever, for better or worse, through sickness and in health till death do us PART.
Well, what could have been so bad that they would break their promise? What could be so bad that they would cause them to part ways and to part our family, separate us like this. What was it? I became angry. I was devoted to my anger because it made sense and I thought it was justified.
I was even more upset because, out of the divorce came years of molestation out of that came years of hurt pain and confusion and I blamed it on the divorce.
I made a decision right there that I did NOT believe in divorce. I wanted to undo what my parents had done in my own way by professing to not be as weak as they were to me then.
A few years later I met my husband, we were 16. As my uncle would say, we were young, dumb, deaf and blind lol. I was a hearty young lady of God then. I loved the Lord and was so curious about being a woman so I read proverbs a lot. I meditated upon it and my wisdom increased. I made terrible decisions all the time of course, but my mind-set was different than many of my cohorts. I spoke differently, acted differently some times. I struggled fitting in and standing out.
In any case, my boyfriend/friend/future husband's relationship began to grow. I knew he was my husband and saw nothing wrong with sealing the deal and being intimate with him before marriage. I mean, marriage was just a piece of paper. Marriage, oneness comes when you lay with the person. So that was what the word say and that was what I did and for the next 6 years I conducted a live, love and loyalty to him as though we were married. Unfortunately, also as though he were my God.
I began to depend on him fiercely. If I needed something and I couldn't get it I became frustrated. My love for him was self seeking to the fullest. It was not always like that. At one point I did love him with intentions of not getting my own way. But his selfishness was unheard of at the time. The more I was around him the less I was with God and so my understanding of how to love became distorted and conformed to the world and so I in turn became self seeking, demanding my own way!
Fast forwarding, to speed this up...we have ups and downs, we decide to get married, we move to Texas, we have lot of emotional drama in between but we remain devoted to one another. I got connected with my First Lady and she began to teach me how to conduct myself in a marriage. She helped me to see that the reason why I was so miserable in my marriage was not based on my husbands behaviors but it was based on my lack of trust in God.
My pet peeves with my husband was as follows: he was unaware of his own flaws, could NOT admit to them (so how could he ever make a proper adjustment), he was controlling, he acted like a single married man and he treated me like i was a toy. Single, not as in cheating on me but he did things to the beat of his own drum and he didn't consider me when I felt he should have. I could not STAND HIM!!! he made my flesh BURN! he was soooooo annoying to me. Some times the sight of him, the sound of his nagging and his inability to effectively communicate to me disturbed me beyond measure. I considered divorcing him on those things alone!
Today, I'm going to address the Single Married man syndrome I felt he had. My husband knows how to do his own thing. He enjoys his own company. On one find day, we were having bible study and a couple came in (our friends) and I said maybe we can go out to eat after this. My husband agreed he said "yeah I will definitely consider that" when service was over, he talked to the other husband and the other husband agreed it would be a great idea. The husband was talking on the phone and so it was taking a while for us to leave. While this was happening, my husband over hears that the Pastor is going to pray for a tragedy he became aware of. Now, my husband was eager to join him. My husband was flustering, pacing back and forth, speaking quickly, trying to see how he could get out of this dinner date or how he can do both. He asks me in front of EVERYBODY "hey babe, do you mind if you go with them and go to wing stop and i'll just meet you there" I said "ok" in a bland voice. He could tell I was displeased with his hasty ways but he didn't care. He HAD to be there to PRAY for these people and he could care less how I felt about it. Now, in the grand scheme of things did I NOT want him to pray for the hurt and broken hearted? OF COURSE NOT. But, he didn't treat me like a partner "go with them, i'll meet you" my so called "protector" who is so "worried about me even when you make a trip to McDonalds" riiigghht. And then with the "are you cool with this, are you comfortable with this?" in front of everyone lol. He wasn't smooth, I wanted to hear "baby, these people are hurting, its in my heart to go pray with them for a moment, I don't know them like that I dont feel safe with you coming, keep our friends company for a while and i'll come meet you guys, can you do that for me?" I would have melted like wax, he would have appealed to my heart because I have an affinity for all things love. His hastiness continued to frustrated me and then all of a sudden the other husband says wait I want to go with you guys too. I DONT BLAME HIM! Who wants to babysit someone elses wife? Its just weird.
So, he leaves, and this is not the first time my husband just LEAVES to go do Gods work with no concern for my heart. He left, and since I had been learning a lot about love I decided I wasn't going to say anything. I wasn't going to make him feel guilty I wasn't going to show him his error. I would just leave it alone.
But my attitude shift was apparent. The Pastor told him he didn't have to go, he still went. Whatever. My views on marriage was changing and God was changing them and I knew it. My views on marriage were becoming less romanticized and becoming more on thoughts of courage and noble, a charge to go forth and to complete. I became more lack luster. Less desiring of this romantic love. I just wanted to do what God says to do, finish this race and GO HOME! I was getting tired of yielding to this man who keeps on leaving me. And then, God touched my heart. I remembered, God will NEVER leave me nor forsake me. I became so thankful for that. My husband will leave me to go do Gods work, but Gods work is to NEVER LEAVE ME NOR FORSAKE ME. God would set on to teach me how to keep my allegience to my husband but to depend on Him. Before it was the other way around. I had an allegence to God, but I didn't depend on Him. I Depended on my hsuband.
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