Day 8: Love is NOT jealous. Allowing

Honest thought...I'm not really a jealous person. I have felt slight jealousy but that is one emotion I quickly check on!

I'm not sure how today's love dare will help me but I'm also a pretty "allowing" kinda person. I have a theory that ppl are who they are. You can't change a person so why bother trying! You can however, influence but the decision is theres...you can even manipulate/coerce but there is no fun/joy in that and that requires some heavy duty manipulation and escaping. I don't like that.  

Love is not Jealous

Also allowing is a strength of mine. This is an area however, that would benefit for my husband. He is a very jealous person. He can never really handle seeing me with my friends, laughing with my family he wants us to always be this twosome.

Ever since we moved, go to a new church etc., he's met more men like him...serious about the Lord for real. So he's more in his element and he neglects me. I just sit around. He doesn't notice me. Maybe this is what I was doing? how he was feeling? I encourage him to hang out with them in general...I want him to enjoy male fellowship--he's been working so hard. I just need to  build my friendship rolodex up so to speak.

But today Im going to delete any negatives from my mind and focus on his positives. I love him!

Day 7: Love Believes the best Learn to appreciate

I've been busy these past few days. I've read my chapters but I haven't journaled. But you know what? I'm back tracking a bit because my marriage deserves the attention!

I want to make sure I track my emotions, my experience. I would have been on day 9 but here I am day 7.

Love believes the Best! 

The appreciation room.This is where I store my positive thoughts about Patrick. I used to spend a lot ALOT of time in this room. I used to meditate in there, smile in there twirl around in my Saturday brunch dress. But then love got ugly...I started to take some things and put it in the depreciation room. Now I rest in there, sleep in there, write all kinds of nasty things on the walls about him in there. in that room he doesn't even have a name I refer to him as "him" He...my husband. He hurt me to my core and I read everything and weep. I resent him. He couldn't meet my expectations.

Love refuses to fill the unknowns with negative thoughts!
Wow! The only time you should go in the depreciation room is to know how to pray for your spouse.
Its time for me to live in the appreciation room of Patrick. All the things I appreciate about him.
I must develop the habit of reining in my negative thoughts...focus on the positive attributes.
He is a living breathing endless book to be read. Dreams and hopes have yet to be realized. I can help him discover his talents and abilities...like hidden treasure and we can have FUN!

Appreciation
None of us entered into marriage wanting to tear down and wound our spouse's esteem. And yet time and human nature will inevitably lead us there unless we actively begin to notice, appreciate, and affirm the positive qualities present in our spouse. Where this is a struggle for you, take time often to rehearse and be thankful for their strengths and uniqueness. Become diligent in protecting them from words that would harm or embarrass them. Tell them every day how valuable they are to you, and endeavor to treat them with greater honor than you do anyone else in the world.
Some helpful verses for you to look up and glean counsel from:

Ephesians 4:29 – use words that encourage, not deflate, that "give grace to those who hear"

Philippians 4:8 – intentionally "dwell" on things that are noble and affirming in your spouse

Romans 12:10 – see to it that you "outdo one another in showing honor"

2 Thessalonians 1:4 – "boast" about your wife or husband in the presence of others

Day 5: Love is Not Rude/Apology

Love is not Rude
Bad wife rule # (I don't know)-I am DEFINITELY RUDE. I am a NY girl and Rude is FUN! We laugh at the big ol Italian men or grandmothers sockin it to ya with tough love! Its funny-its honest. And because of those 2 things (funny and honest) its seems alright. But God has called the good wife to be honest, loving, meek. You are not to slander your husband. But I have. I delight in it because it is immediate justice to me. I say "God...move outta the way I got this one." I'm like a one woman volleyball team. Soon as the ball gets served I run left, I run right and I push all players out of the way because im the....SUPER STAR!!! "I got it, I got it" Poof the ball hits the ground "I don't got it" that is the story of my life. So how do I feel like I am winning when I gotta lose to love? What is it God? Why do I have to take the back seat. I do it, I can do it even now. BUT I DONT WANNA because ITS NOT FAIR!! Love is not fair...it keeps no record of wrong, it is long suffering. SHOOT! DARNIT whhhhyy can't love just beee about my needs??? what I want, my demands whhyyy. Am I alone in this?


The Truth
The truth i need to learn about love, is that I won't be taken advantage of. I'm rude because Im putting up my brick walls to say--you cannot penetrate and Im going to hurt you before you hurt me! That used to work for me on the school yard, and with my sisters...but its not working for my marriage. Truth is, it never really worked. I had to get right with my sisters once before. Now, we are harmonious.

Genuine Love minds its manners
 Welp, My attitude was outreageous. We both said some uncessary things and I just spazzed. Lost it on numerous occasions. But later in the day, I apologized profusely. I shared my fears and concerns...and then we were okay. I know I am starting out in seed form. One day at a time, I will grow. So I just have to be patient with myself.

Today's Dare:
Ask my husband what are the 3 things that I do that irritate him the most. 

1. i'm not serious about the things of God. I consider my wants way too much.
2. too concerned about the worlds business, perephial things, issues my friends are having etc. I need to prioritize myself.
3. I dont allow him to be the leader of the pack.
 

Apology 29/143

Prideful people do not apologize, and stubborn pride in a marriage is toxic.  And only authentic love will humble itself to apologize for a simple mistake, a hurtful word, or a damaging deed. Pride makes excuses for our behavior, defends and justifies it, or shifts the blame for it elsewhere. But the health of your marriage depends upon your willingness to look first at your own faults and take full responsibility for your unloving words and actions. Genuine apologies break down walls and open doors to forgiveness and reconciliation.
The Love Dare book will lead you to take some "dares" that may be uncomfortable but are absolutely imperative. Things like specifically asking your spouse to tell you—without taking offense at what they say—what you do that irritates or hurts them. You'll be challenged to set up ground rules for how you handle the potential arguments that arise from life's inevitable conflicts. And no matter how your spouse initially responds to your apology, give it anyway—and determine to show by subsequent attitudes and actions that your apology was sincere.
Some helpful verses that can contribute to greater openness and honesty between you:

1 John 1:8 – we are "deceiving ourselves" if we don't think we have anything to apologize for

Romans 12:18 – "if possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone"—especially your mate

Matthew 18:21–22 – when your spouse aplogizes to you, be quick to "forgive"

James 5:16 – "confess your sins and pray for one another, so that you may be healed"

Day 4: Love is thoughtful/Attention

I did not pass
I am so happy that today is attention again because I failed miserably yesterday. I thought that I was in the clear...I didn't say a peep of negativity. I sat in the car...didn't say a word. But my attitude? It sucked! I reeked of resentment. I didn't pass that test very well. Maybe a C-

What would have made it an A? 

When my husband told me that he did not fix our second car (so that I could have access to drive around) and thereby forcing me to stay home. I should have said "wow, that hurts, you hurt me by doing that, not treating me as your partner. is that the will of our Father? or your will?" If he would have tried to refute. I should have said "sorry, but I dont see anywhere in the bible where God appreciated a husband acting in deception or kept his wife bound. You will have to show me how that is Gods will."

Today's Dare
Ask your spouse if there is anything you could do for them today.

Well, today I asked my husband what I could make for him, I offered a fruit smoothie and offered that I would go to the store and pick up spinach to put in his smoothie. He said no. But later he asked why am I not attending to him. If I was upset with him. I said no, and acted like I was tired.

uugghh 2x for the attention part and I still didn't get it. He made his request known and I quickly denied it. Then I decided to express myself. BIG MISTAKE lol. He only felt worse. So I have to stand back and give him a chance as I become a GREAT WIFE an AMAZING wife.
Bad wives think only of themselves. Bad wives are only happy when their husbands do exactly what they want. I'm a bad wife...soon I will say I was a bad wife once but then I died and the Good Wife arose.

So, (big sigh) I made up for it by apologizing and saying that I am working on getting better.

Day 3: Love is not selfish/ Give Attention

The Dare
Buy your spouse something today

I  was going to buy my husband a baked potato today. But he is fasting so I didn't get to buy him anything. Buy buying him something is not an issue for me really. I've always found it easy to spend money on him.Outside of things...I just won't do. I mean well, he asked me to take a ride with him to work, drive him to work and I would pick him up (leaving the house at 5:30 am to get him) I said okay.

On my ride there--he reveals to me that he will not fix our 2nd car because he doesn't trust me. I'm his slave. He acts like my father. I dont sleep with my father so I find him unattractive. Its such a long story but my aim is not to win hearts by his actions. My aim is to worry about what I need to do to do the will of my father. So the details don't matter. All I know is that after hearing that. I have not been able to attend to him.

ATTENTION

Most of our struggles in being attentive to our spouse lie in the root causes of selfishness or laziness. And the process of dealing with this problem requires an active, intentional shift toward thoughtfulness and understanding—putting your wife or husband's needs first, relinquishing the right to do or say whatever you want so you can accommodate what your spouse needs to say or wants to do. This requires intentionally choosing to pause what you are doing and listening with both your eyes and your ears.
Some of the things you'll be "dared" to do in the book will involve even simple gestures that visibly communicate to your spouse, "I was thinking of you," or "Your opinion matters to me." You'll be asked to plan ahead, to do some homework, to make an effort that involves an outlay of time and thought. You must grow the habit of focusing on your mate's needs until it becomes a more natural way of life.
Some helpful verses for you to look up and pay "attention" to:

Philippians 2:4 – be concerned not only about yourself, "but also for the interests of others."

James 1:19–20 – challenge yourself to be "quick to hear, slow to speak"

Proverbs 24:3–4 – recognize that a house is "established by understanding"

Ephesians 5:33 – a man's duty to love his wife "as himself," and his wife to "respect" him

Day 2: Love s Kind; Demonstrating Affection

Love is Kind

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. 

 Why am I bad wife? My kindness is accessed when my husband is kind to me. But is that true kindness? Not according to God. Its simply not enough. If I be born again, and I am a new creature than I cannot do what the typical person does, a person who is their body and their soul alone. They rely on how their body, will and emotions respond to outside sources. They...we allow what people do to determine how we will respond. Well then, how do you change if a fickle person can control how you respond/react? If you depended on people around you to eat "right" in order for you to lose weight, you will never reach your goal. You have to make a resolute decision to do it FOR YOURSELF because NO ONE will care about what you want to do but YOU!



 
I want the mind of Christ, not my own 
Therefore, if I want the mind of Christ, to be a doer of the word and not a hearer only...I can't rely on my husband to inspire my emotions to do for him. Kindness is love in action. Patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance. Kindness is how love acts to MAXIMIZE a positive circumstance. Patience avoids a problem, kindness provides a blessing.

Attitude Adjustment
This is the woman I dreamed of being long ago. It wasn't just the cooking, cleaning part. It was the attitude behind it really. I just didn't know it then. My attitude stinks! it reeks! And many will wonder or ask "what is your husband doing for you" I am my husbands keeper, but I am first about my Father's business. I keep my husband, but I complete the works of my father. There is an emotional detachment with that statement. I know. But when you Christ said "nevertheless, not my will..." he was referring to his soul life, soul thoughts. But Gods will...God is Spirit.

Affection 79/143

Many of the things that hamper our ability to be tender and affectionate with each other come from the various hurts we've endured—from childhood, from others, from earlier days in our marriage. But even if by nature (or experience) you're not the touchy-feely type, you can still let love motivate you to be kind, to be helpful, to overcome any obstacles to affection by knowing what your spouse needs and enjoys from you. As The Love Dare explains, it's about "leading your heart" rather than "following your heart," choosing to delight in your one-and-only.
Some helpful verses for you to look up and seek to emulate:

1 Thessalonians 3:12 – "increase and overflow with love," always growing in your affection

Proverbs 5:18–21 – commit to "take pleasure" in your own spouse, not seeking it from others

Hebrews 13:4 – keep the marriage bed "undefiled" from threats to your trust and intimacy

1 Corinthians 7:3 – consider your affection toward your spouse a "marital responsibility"

Day 1: Love is Patient; Learning Acceptance

My first official Post directly from The LOVE DARE! dun dun duuuhhh

I admit, I am impatient so I'm curious to see what I will be doing today. I'm supposed to learn what Acceptance is.

CASSANDRA, BE PATIENT WITH HIM

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Eph 4:2

Today was an easy day. I was patient with Pat. There was one point where he was asking me a million questions and I could feel myself getting irritated but I made light of it. It wasn't so bad. I know that just because the day is over, my patience isn't over.

ACCEPTANCE

According to the Marriage Evaluation I need a lot of work. I scored a 71/143!

Perhaps your wife or husband says they often feel the weight of your disapproval, the constant pressure from you to change. But realize that you, too, are an imperfect person in need of their understanding, patience, and frequent forgiveness. To improve in acceptance, you must battle against these tendencies to be overly and quickly critical. Try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes. Give them permission to be human and make mistakes. Check your expectations. Are they fair and realistic? What is truly motivating them? The goal is to love your spouse unconditionally—praising them often, allowing them to fail, remaining patient until they see the need for change themselves, and being an encourager, not on the attack.

Some helpful verses for you to look up and learn from:

Colossians 3:12–13 – be accepting and forgiving, "just as the Lord has forgiven you"

Proverbs 17:9 – become someone who "conceals an offense" in the interest of love

1 Thessalonians 5:11 – make it your goal to "encourage one another and build each other up"

1 John 4:18 – realize that "perfect love drives out fear," making home a healthier place

Marriage Evaluation (Pre-Dare)

I was thinking about doing the Love Dare. Is that something you would recommend pastor?

Yes-I dare you to do it---lol

Lol :) dare accepted.

The above is a text conversation I had with my Pastor. I've officially been dared! I'm actually quite scared. I'm wondering if I'm really going to commit to this 40 day thing? What if it doesn't work? It has to work. I need this to work. My husband has been the 'band' around our marriage for some time now. It's time that I join him on making us work.

First we start off with a marriage evaluation.

About the Evaluation

The point of this evaluation is not to get a score number, but to grow and learn. To make a choice. The choice to love. To keep working, believing, changing, forgiving. Continually getting better at loving your spouse well.

So once you've answered these few simple questions, take advantage of everything listed in your feedback report. And be sure to come back soon, as often as you like, to take the evaluation again and track your progress.

This test is just for you. So be honest. Be yourself. Let it feel like a fresh start.
Dare to love.

My Score: 401/1000 

hahaha oh boy- have we got some work to DO!

Clear Weakness
1. Attention 36/143 (Days 3,4,18,30 & 31 will help me in this area)
2. Apology 29/143 (Days 5, 13, 25, 26, 35, & 40 will help me in this area)
3. Abiding 29/143  (Days 19-21, 29 & 36 will help me in this area)

Likely Weakness
 1. Acceptance 71/143 (Days 1, 6, 10, 17, 27, 37, 39)
2. Appreciation/affirmation 64/143 ( Days 7, 11, 15, 23, 34)
3. Affection 79/143 (Days 2, 9, 14, 22, 24, 32)

Likely Strength
1. Allowing 93/143 (Days 8, 12, 16, 28, 33, 38 will help solidify this strength)

Just as I expected. I told you--i'm a bad wife! Don't be offended by this statement. Its like a fat person saying "i'm overweight" and eveerryyoonne wants to say "no no, you're fine, you're big boned"...how about nooo...IM OVERWEIGHT...FAT. Get over it! If I don't acknowledge where I am how can I make a proper adjustment?

By faith, I'm an outstanding wife, woman of God and mother! My husband adores me, he is blessed and his friends call him blessed. I hear from God and I exercise wisdom all the days of my life. I am a doer of the word, not a hearer only. I reflect Gods light and people come to me for assistance and I provide tough love and gentleness-as the Lord leads. My future children, they call me blessed. I learn them, know them intricately each of them and I love them dearly.


My Goal
My goal is to have some CLEAR strengths! In the GREEN!!! I will take this evaluation test again once I've completed the dare!

I'm a bad wife

There! I said it! I'm a bad wife.

I've always imagined myself married. Happily married and never really thought about all the things my husband would do but what I would do.

• Cook 
• Clean 
• Look beautiful 
• Greet him @ the door with a newspaper 
• Give him a chance to collect himself (don't bombard him with questions etc.) 
• Make passionate love 

REPEAT

Is it that simple? Is that love? If I do those things consistently will I be happy--will he?

 I've been married for 3 years now... Well... that is, 1186 days OR 3 years, 2 months, 28 days, and I can tell you that, those tasks can demonstrate your love/concern for a person but that is NOT love!

What is love
 There is a specific definition of what Love is/is not and I don't follow a lick of it.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New Living Translation (NLT) 4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

I am often impatient, boastful-check, proud and rude-check, check. I definitely demand my own way. He irritates the heck outta me and I will definitely let him know the days he's done me wrong or annoyed me. I've given up to a degree, lost faith in us, lost faith that he will "get me" and I don't want to endure.

I mean, my marriage is NOT a disease its not bad. I've just been with him since we were teenagers, back when he was a control freak and so anytime he tries to make a decision or convince me of a decision I raise hell.--I have a fear that he will take advantage of me again.  And I will stop at nothing to defend myself at all costs.

 I've known my husband for 11 years. I don't remember the first day we spoke but, its been 11 years knowing/dating each other. We have been through hell and back again, you name the charge--we've probably been there done that. After all the hurt and pain we put each other through, I came out with a lot of unseen battle scars. I don't trust him, I don't like him (his ways, philosophies), I don't respect him and even more so...I don't think he deserves my respect.

 Oh...and here's the kicker...I'M A CHRISTIAN! 

Yep...that's right, I said it. I am a bible toting, verse quoting, tongue talking woman of GOD (pronounced GAWD in this sentence) *insert heavenly backgrounds now* In the Christian world, my attitude and self-righteousness is "OFF"

Learning My Love is weak
This week, we've been learning about the fruit of the Spirit in church (Galations 5:22) and that LOVE is the first attribute. We are learning that the fruit of the spirit has to be developed. It is not made perfect in us immediately because once you get saved, your spirit is immediately reborn. BUT your soul (mind, will, emotions) or the works of the flesh compete with the fruit of the spirit so you have to work hard at enhancing your "Spirit man".

God does this by giving you a test. Well...i've been failing with flying colors...so...uhh yeah I don't want to fail anymore.  

THE LOVE DARE
Yesterday, my pastor, mentioned the love dare during his sermon yesterday, he didn't go into detail about it. But,  I remembered the movie fireproof and was always curious about the Love Dare book but at the time my husband and I were dating and I wasn't the one doing the 'mean stuff' so I had no need for it then.

 BUT.... I NEED IT NOW! I'm a bad, mean surly wife. Bitter an "I don't wanna hear it" wife. I'm mad! Mad at him, disappointed in him.So since God has given me many tests, and I'm pretty sure i've failed many--I need HELP!

With the help of the Love Dare, my Pastor/First Lady's support, Christian counseling-I pray that my marriage can be restored. I believe it can.

This blog/journal is about my journey to a healthy marriage. The tools that i'll be using. The advice i've been given and the transformation that is about to take place.