Thursday, December 19, 2013
Day 25: Love Forgives/Apology
This area, right here, apology? I have an issue with this. I have a serious issue saying I am sorry when I've committed an offense. I guess, haughty? Prideful definitely. This is an area I must change. I just don't believe in really saying it unless you really believe it and are willing to do something about it. Prove it in your actions. Sorry doesn't mean anything. Especially if you do it again. That's just my motto. So its not that I dont believe in saying sorry at all. Its that I belive that if you are sorry--you do something about it.
Love dare says that this is the toughest dare in the book.
But I have forgiven my husband for his ways upon my life. It is hard but I do it daily. I believe he rushed us into marriage, for the right reasons---honorable yes, but there is a way that seems right to man. Its amazing how his decisions alter my life and I am to just be thankful for that? "You ought to be grateful" why? because you think its honorable? I mean, is it honorable for a father to choose a husbnd for his daughter without consulting her---the man has a great job, he's a man of God, he works, he's faithful. I mean, she ought to be greatful? But she should be able to freely choose. Not given ultimatums. I'm tired of being backed into a corner. I think a separation is truly best. I'm in so much limbo. I can't tell my left from my right.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Day 24: Love vs Lust/ Affection
The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever.-1 john 2:17
Just like Adam and Eve, we have been supplied with everything we need by God. We can have a full, productive, enriching life. Our material needs food and clothing are always provided to us (Matthew 6:25-33). We should also learn and practice contentment with these (1 Timothy 6:8). God's blessings, however, go so far beyond fundamental needs. He also gives us His love, Spirit, and Word upon us. But like Adam and Eve--we still want more.
I am like this. I'm very lusty. I had a dream today. I dreamt of an an old friend from midwood. Her name is Bowali or something like that. And apparently, she was recently divorced. I asked her about this and she said that she was happily married but an old fling from her past came his name was Navigator. She felt so in love with him and she felt that the love was so intense that she could not help herself. She decided that she has one life to live and she was going to be bold enough to follow her heart. She divorced her devoted husband and went after this man; Navigator. And their relationship did not last one bit. Now, she was faced with a ruined marriage and a broken fling but she was going to church always trying to repair herself. As she was telling me this I could not help but think of myself. Except in the dream, it wasn't Devon it was someone else named Randy. I wanted to talk to Bowali about Randy because I know that she knew him very well. I told Bowali that I was in the same boat--in love with someone from H.S. and I told her Randy and she looked at me sideways and said "that man is full of lust he doesn't want to do anything but sleep with you. He is incapable of loving anyone but himself."
It was so hard for me to let go of all the dreams and possibilities but that's what I had to do. I didn't want to. And IN the dream I saw myself trying to petition my love for Randy and tell him how I feel tell him i love him dearly but he became so irrational and upset and filled with wrath. I could tell from then that he really did in fact want nothing but my body and did not want my heart or anything to do with love. I felt so bad because I really wanted this to work in spite of my marriage.
My heart was captured by curiosity in my old H.S. Crush. Wondering, wanting, desiring. I always got this gut feeling that it would never be anything. That he didn't really care for me like in a strong way. I made a practice to avoid men like that. Users and time wasters. But then I fell into sin and sin revived in me something awful and little by little my ability to discern truth from error because harder and harder. I was getting sucked into the lust of the world trying to find any outlet for getting attention and love I felt I deserved. And I found nothing. Its been 10 years later and I have found nothing. Nothing in this world that has satisifed me or quenched my thirst or even made me feel renewed. I'm always left empty but its like a maze. Its like you never stop and say okay--let me just get out of this game period because its pointless. You keep searching and looking because you get these little prizes along the way that keep you longer than you wanted to stay. But I want to hear well done. I want to hear you finished this race. You cannot finish a race in a maze that has no end. I have been deceived. I was filled with self-righteous behavior crediting my will with as if it were my own. Calling myself holier and better than most and having pride behind that-no humility whatsoever! I did not know that it was the grace of God that kept me. I thought it was me, my strength, my self control, mine, mine, mine. But I have come to find that I am full of decit and wickedness and perverse behaviors. I can say--- "oh, well, I struggle with this because out of my past birthed this new behavior that would not have been there." But what about Christ? That he would say if someone smacks you--you turn the other cheek! Why? Because If you started out talking to someone in a holy manner do not allow their actions to corrupt your behavior--you lose the mind of CHrist that way. Instead, continue on, carry on, as you were before with a forgiving and understanding peaceful stance.
When someone uses you, abueses you---you do not render evil for evil. If it is a dangerous place of course seek protection from authorities. But if it is something lustful or deceitful and someone took advantage of you walk away. and know that it is God alone who carried you moving your feet one ahead of the other. Because if it would have been you! You would ravish that person from limb to limb. That is the disgusting hearted nature of man. We are so evil. And sin is a gateway to hell. With no restraint we would eat our own children. And it has been done before. With no restraint, with one thought after the other considering everything that comes to mind WITH NO RESTRAINT!!! we would justify any disgusting vile behavior that we can only say we hate because of the love of God. Without that, we would know no better!!! My God help us, help me! We need it. You are my only hope Lord. Apart from you I can do nothing.
I'm getting it now. I'm starting to see, who I really am. And when i come to really see who I am God will help me to believe in who I can be through Him. But first--I have to go through this. I can't escape my reality or how in the world will I ever be thankful for a God I don't know and for me who I don't know. I need to know my disgust so I can see how he can turn me white as snow. God, the love of God, is the ultimate fairy tale story. Knight in shining armor, savior and king. He is everything.
I love you Lord.
Key points"
-Lust makes good things that we don't own into the objects of our future happiness instead of God. And for a believer, its a step out of fellowship with God
(Father forgive me sincerely)
I have made D an idol in my life. I made him my obsession?! wow, so sad.
Lust-always restlessly wants more. James 4:1 "What is the source of wars and fights among you? DOn't they come from the cravings that are at war within you?"
Lust: Will make you dissatisfied with your spouse, no matter how appealing or amazing he is. <---this is so true. This is what I have been doing over and over. FInding faults. Finding reasons why I should go some place else! Wow, this is a blessing to read because I needed this healing and deliverance.
Lust fuels anger, numbs hearts and destroys marriages. Rather than fullness, it leads to emptiness.
Lust: is a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill. Lust is like a warning lighton the dashboard of your heart, alerting you to the fact that you're not allowing God's love to fill you.
If I focus on Him, my actions will lead me to lasting Joy, not to endless cycles of regret and condemntation.
Dare:
End it now. Identify any obsession of object of lust in your life and let go of it. Expose any lie you've swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back closet. It must be killed and destroyed today. Focus on thanking God that He and what He provides can satisfy you and meet all your needs.
Today's Dare: Failed
I was supposed to get rid of anything that is an object of my lust. I couldn't do it. I've been here before. Done this before. And I'm so ashamed of myself. I imagine Satan roaming about laughing, snickering and heckling at God. Like--see...she won't even turn away from her wickedness. I guess your Love is not enough. The beauty of the good news is that we don't have to be into our sin. We can rejoice and have the mind of Christ and have freedom. But even with a choice, like Israel, we choose bondage because its familiar.
I can't stay like this. God, help me rid myself of my lusts and desires of the world. Of someone I believe I love but am truly only lusting for. Help me. His voice, his smile, his hugs, affection. His touch, his calm demeanor, even the parts of him underdeveloped and sad I have compassion for.
I don't know how I'm getting through this if not by God' grace?!? But today. Today I admit I am weak and afraid that i'll lose him I miss him. I have to choose who I will serve and I don't want to believe I'm serving myself or him. But that is what the devil said. He told Eve "you shall not surely die, instead you will be like God." I mean I started out wanting to get rid of it but then I looked at it and could not get rid of it. The devil wants me to believe that I don't have to get rid of that idol. But I know that I do. So...I'm going to do it. I'm going to throw it out. I am doing this because I love God more than myself. I love God more than my fears and my desires and more than my beliefs. I trust you Lord and I believe that you can satisfy me. So I am doing this for you because it pleases me to Love you more. I am not doing this because I believe I can better myself. I am doing this because I am pushing the thing out of the way that is keeping you away in myown heart. Like Abraham said, offer it up to God and do it quickly. Just let it go.
I did it. Its gone. Thank you God for equipping me with the strength. A part from you I can do nothing. The enemy will not and does not have to have a foot hold on me. I can do all things, the most difficult things through Christ who strengthens me.
Just like Adam and Eve, we have been supplied with everything we need by God. We can have a full, productive, enriching life. Our material needs food and clothing are always provided to us (Matthew 6:25-33). We should also learn and practice contentment with these (1 Timothy 6:8). God's blessings, however, go so far beyond fundamental needs. He also gives us His love, Spirit, and Word upon us. But like Adam and Eve--we still want more.
I am like this. I'm very lusty. I had a dream today. I dreamt of an an old friend from midwood. Her name is Bowali or something like that. And apparently, she was recently divorced. I asked her about this and she said that she was happily married but an old fling from her past came his name was Navigator. She felt so in love with him and she felt that the love was so intense that she could not help herself. She decided that she has one life to live and she was going to be bold enough to follow her heart. She divorced her devoted husband and went after this man; Navigator. And their relationship did not last one bit. Now, she was faced with a ruined marriage and a broken fling but she was going to church always trying to repair herself. As she was telling me this I could not help but think of myself. Except in the dream, it wasn't Devon it was someone else named Randy. I wanted to talk to Bowali about Randy because I know that she knew him very well. I told Bowali that I was in the same boat--in love with someone from H.S. and I told her Randy and she looked at me sideways and said "that man is full of lust he doesn't want to do anything but sleep with you. He is incapable of loving anyone but himself."
It was so hard for me to let go of all the dreams and possibilities but that's what I had to do. I didn't want to. And IN the dream I saw myself trying to petition my love for Randy and tell him how I feel tell him i love him dearly but he became so irrational and upset and filled with wrath. I could tell from then that he really did in fact want nothing but my body and did not want my heart or anything to do with love. I felt so bad because I really wanted this to work in spite of my marriage.
My heart was captured by curiosity in my old H.S. Crush. Wondering, wanting, desiring. I always got this gut feeling that it would never be anything. That he didn't really care for me like in a strong way. I made a practice to avoid men like that. Users and time wasters. But then I fell into sin and sin revived in me something awful and little by little my ability to discern truth from error because harder and harder. I was getting sucked into the lust of the world trying to find any outlet for getting attention and love I felt I deserved. And I found nothing. Its been 10 years later and I have found nothing. Nothing in this world that has satisifed me or quenched my thirst or even made me feel renewed. I'm always left empty but its like a maze. Its like you never stop and say okay--let me just get out of this game period because its pointless. You keep searching and looking because you get these little prizes along the way that keep you longer than you wanted to stay. But I want to hear well done. I want to hear you finished this race. You cannot finish a race in a maze that has no end. I have been deceived. I was filled with self-righteous behavior crediting my will with as if it were my own. Calling myself holier and better than most and having pride behind that-no humility whatsoever! I did not know that it was the grace of God that kept me. I thought it was me, my strength, my self control, mine, mine, mine. But I have come to find that I am full of decit and wickedness and perverse behaviors. I can say--- "oh, well, I struggle with this because out of my past birthed this new behavior that would not have been there." But what about Christ? That he would say if someone smacks you--you turn the other cheek! Why? Because If you started out talking to someone in a holy manner do not allow their actions to corrupt your behavior--you lose the mind of CHrist that way. Instead, continue on, carry on, as you were before with a forgiving and understanding peaceful stance.
When someone uses you, abueses you---you do not render evil for evil. If it is a dangerous place of course seek protection from authorities. But if it is something lustful or deceitful and someone took advantage of you walk away. and know that it is God alone who carried you moving your feet one ahead of the other. Because if it would have been you! You would ravish that person from limb to limb. That is the disgusting hearted nature of man. We are so evil. And sin is a gateway to hell. With no restraint we would eat our own children. And it has been done before. With no restraint, with one thought after the other considering everything that comes to mind WITH NO RESTRAINT!!! we would justify any disgusting vile behavior that we can only say we hate because of the love of God. Without that, we would know no better!!! My God help us, help me! We need it. You are my only hope Lord. Apart from you I can do nothing.
I'm getting it now. I'm starting to see, who I really am. And when i come to really see who I am God will help me to believe in who I can be through Him. But first--I have to go through this. I can't escape my reality or how in the world will I ever be thankful for a God I don't know and for me who I don't know. I need to know my disgust so I can see how he can turn me white as snow. God, the love of God, is the ultimate fairy tale story. Knight in shining armor, savior and king. He is everything.
I love you Lord.
Key points"
-Lust makes good things that we don't own into the objects of our future happiness instead of God. And for a believer, its a step out of fellowship with God
(Father forgive me sincerely)
I have made D an idol in my life. I made him my obsession?! wow, so sad.
Lust-always restlessly wants more. James 4:1 "What is the source of wars and fights among you? DOn't they come from the cravings that are at war within you?"
Lust: Will make you dissatisfied with your spouse, no matter how appealing or amazing he is. <---this is so true. This is what I have been doing over and over. FInding faults. Finding reasons why I should go some place else! Wow, this is a blessing to read because I needed this healing and deliverance.
Lust fuels anger, numbs hearts and destroys marriages. Rather than fullness, it leads to emptiness.
Lust: is a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill. Lust is like a warning lighton the dashboard of your heart, alerting you to the fact that you're not allowing God's love to fill you.
If I focus on Him, my actions will lead me to lasting Joy, not to endless cycles of regret and condemntation.
Dare:
End it now. Identify any obsession of object of lust in your life and let go of it. Expose any lie you've swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back closet. It must be killed and destroyed today. Focus on thanking God that He and what He provides can satisfy you and meet all your needs.
Today's Dare: Failed
I was supposed to get rid of anything that is an object of my lust. I couldn't do it. I've been here before. Done this before. And I'm so ashamed of myself. I imagine Satan roaming about laughing, snickering and heckling at God. Like--see...she won't even turn away from her wickedness. I guess your Love is not enough. The beauty of the good news is that we don't have to be into our sin. We can rejoice and have the mind of Christ and have freedom. But even with a choice, like Israel, we choose bondage because its familiar.
I can't stay like this. God, help me rid myself of my lusts and desires of the world. Of someone I believe I love but am truly only lusting for. Help me. His voice, his smile, his hugs, affection. His touch, his calm demeanor, even the parts of him underdeveloped and sad I have compassion for.
I don't know how I'm getting through this if not by God' grace?!? But today. Today I admit I am weak and afraid that i'll lose him I miss him. I have to choose who I will serve and I don't want to believe I'm serving myself or him. But that is what the devil said. He told Eve "you shall not surely die, instead you will be like God." I mean I started out wanting to get rid of it but then I looked at it and could not get rid of it. The devil wants me to believe that I don't have to get rid of that idol. But I know that I do. So...I'm going to do it. I'm going to throw it out. I am doing this because I love God more than myself. I love God more than my fears and my desires and more than my beliefs. I trust you Lord and I believe that you can satisfy me. So I am doing this for you because it pleases me to Love you more. I am not doing this because I believe I can better myself. I am doing this because I am pushing the thing out of the way that is keeping you away in myown heart. Like Abraham said, offer it up to God and do it quickly. Just let it go.
I did it. Its gone. Thank you God for equipping me with the strength. A part from you I can do nothing. The enemy will not and does not have to have a foot hold on me. I can do all things, the most difficult things through Christ who strengthens me.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Day 23: Love Always Protects/Appreciation
Love always protects. - 1 Corinthians 13:7
We didn't get married as enemies. We got married as friends. Our marriage was actually very tragic and our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend was very traumatic.
My husband, no fault of his own, but my life around him. I have a very soft spot for. It's hard for me to say no to him. He knows this. He uses it to his advantage--who wouldn't?
I didn't want to get married. I got used to the thought of it. The planning. The partying. The fact that we made it. I looked forward to how "sweet" our love story appeared for face value when I really knew how ugly our love really was.
And then--there was the spiritual side. We didn't want to fall into sin. He wants to make an honest woman out of me. How could I not say "yes" when other guys out there were full of scum. Self-seeking and denied the power of Christ. Why would I want any of them?
But make no mistake about it. This was no dream fairy tale. This was an obligation. On both ends. Maybe that's not such a bad thing? who says that marriage has to be based on all things good?
What I'm saying is that marrying him. And regretting our marriage for 2.5 and having to psych myself often that it was the best decision is only based on what is going on at the time.
I mean---I hated this man year 1 and year 2 I had to psych myself. Force affection. Force love. Force attentiveness. Force myself all the time. Fight to demonstrate and believe it.
Year 1.5 it started to make more sense. I had very little distraction and honestly--as I said...slim pickings out there. I ought to be grateful!!! Because truth is, as I always say. My husband is a good man. So whats my deal? Possibly unrealistic expectations. The other reason is because I hate living in his world. Its foreign to me. We speak differently languages, have different principles, express things differently across the board. So being with him--is constant work. CONSTANT. And he's very compelling and persuasive--should have been a car sales man.
So when I am with him, around him---I am working. So I get tired. I love the thought of being a wife. But being HIS wife? yikes that was tough. Around year 2--he started to lighten up tremendously. Mostly because I was working all the time. We had our fights but nothing crazy. My biggest gripe with him, my constant plea was "you don't know me or seek to know me." He can't help himself. He loves to live in his world. He hates to be uncomfortable. He shows his irritation immediately and is not flexible. So when I was a change of scenery and to live in my world--he can't hang. He buys me things he likes. He has no idea what I don't like lol. ahhh misery. I might as well be alone. But he sharpens me because he doesn't make this love walk easy AT ALL.
By year 2.5 work was getting stressful. When I had a chance to pause. Then the hate and resentment came flooding back.
So I have to get back on track with my marriage. The best part is---my crazy husband is now completly sane. He's so much better. Less rough around the edges. So now, I have GOT TO DO MY PART.
I have to defend and protect our marriage:
The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hand -Proverbs 14:1
Lord help me to gain wisdom. To make smart decisions. help me Lord to not continuously back slide into old thoughts and rationalization. Help me lord to have a stick to my guns mentality. To be courageous in love.
Today's Dare:
Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that is stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.
I am going to stop going on instagram. I have plenty of saved pictures and reminders of inspiration that I can look through daily. They are my "favs" and plus they take up so much space on my phone that to add any of the same and not meditate on what is there is sily.
This will help me to stop seeing or meddling with things I shouldn't. To help me I am going to set up a reminder for me and sign out of IG for the remainder of the year.
We didn't get married as enemies. We got married as friends. Our marriage was actually very tragic and our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend was very traumatic.
My husband, no fault of his own, but my life around him. I have a very soft spot for. It's hard for me to say no to him. He knows this. He uses it to his advantage--who wouldn't?
I didn't want to get married. I got used to the thought of it. The planning. The partying. The fact that we made it. I looked forward to how "sweet" our love story appeared for face value when I really knew how ugly our love really was.
And then--there was the spiritual side. We didn't want to fall into sin. He wants to make an honest woman out of me. How could I not say "yes" when other guys out there were full of scum. Self-seeking and denied the power of Christ. Why would I want any of them?
But make no mistake about it. This was no dream fairy tale. This was an obligation. On both ends. Maybe that's not such a bad thing? who says that marriage has to be based on all things good?
What I'm saying is that marrying him. And regretting our marriage for 2.5 and having to psych myself often that it was the best decision is only based on what is going on at the time.
I mean---I hated this man year 1 and year 2 I had to psych myself. Force affection. Force love. Force attentiveness. Force myself all the time. Fight to demonstrate and believe it.
Year 1.5 it started to make more sense. I had very little distraction and honestly--as I said...slim pickings out there. I ought to be grateful!!! Because truth is, as I always say. My husband is a good man. So whats my deal? Possibly unrealistic expectations. The other reason is because I hate living in his world. Its foreign to me. We speak differently languages, have different principles, express things differently across the board. So being with him--is constant work. CONSTANT. And he's very compelling and persuasive--should have been a car sales man.
So when I am with him, around him---I am working. So I get tired. I love the thought of being a wife. But being HIS wife? yikes that was tough. Around year 2--he started to lighten up tremendously. Mostly because I was working all the time. We had our fights but nothing crazy. My biggest gripe with him, my constant plea was "you don't know me or seek to know me." He can't help himself. He loves to live in his world. He hates to be uncomfortable. He shows his irritation immediately and is not flexible. So when I was a change of scenery and to live in my world--he can't hang. He buys me things he likes. He has no idea what I don't like lol. ahhh misery. I might as well be alone. But he sharpens me because he doesn't make this love walk easy AT ALL.
By year 2.5 work was getting stressful. When I had a chance to pause. Then the hate and resentment came flooding back.
So I have to get back on track with my marriage. The best part is---my crazy husband is now completly sane. He's so much better. Less rough around the edges. So now, I have GOT TO DO MY PART.
I have to defend and protect our marriage:
The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hand -Proverbs 14:1
Lord help me to gain wisdom. To make smart decisions. help me Lord to not continuously back slide into old thoughts and rationalization. Help me lord to have a stick to my guns mentality. To be courageous in love.
Today's Dare:
Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that is stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.
I am going to stop going on instagram. I have plenty of saved pictures and reminders of inspiration that I can look through daily. They are my "favs" and plus they take up so much space on my phone that to add any of the same and not meditate on what is there is sily.
This will help me to stop seeing or meddling with things I shouldn't. To help me I am going to set up a reminder for me and sign out of IG for the remainder of the year.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Day 22: Love is Faithful
I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord- Hosea 2:20
As Christians, love is the basis of our whole identity. As God's children, He gives us the name "Beloved," which means we are ones who are unconditionally loved by God. The focus of our lives becomes loving God and loving other.
I have not been faithful emotionally to my husband. I've been carrying on a serious emotional affair for an old friend. Its terrible but daily I do my work. Some days are better than others.
Can I love my husband? Yes. And its gets easier by day with the grace of God I have peace in my heart. I'm less angrier and bitter. Sometimes I go through it, usually around my cycle but mostly I don't hate him anymore.
I remember when he and I fought. I didn't know if I should take him back. Many time when I think back, I think to myself I should have left him then. I was so fearful of him. But I loved him and I knew deep down he loved me too and I knew deep down he just lost his temper. It wasn't an ongoing issue--it could have been. But I knew it did not have to be the end for he and I. I believed that I could give it one more shot. Truth be told...I didn't really think that he would never put his hands on me. All I could think is if I make it out alive this time...I'm definitely leaving and I'm not turning back. I kind of hoped for that. I hoped for that because I was tired of him. Tired of the mundane lack luster and controlling obnoxious patheticness that was him AT TIMES. Most times, he was a sweet endearing husband who tried his best. But sometimes---seriously--i wanted to kill myself. Everything with him--the simple things in life he gives me grief. When I think those things--I hate him lol so I try not to think of the once in a blues and think about who he is 85% of the time. A man that loves me and does his best in everything. That counts for a lot.
Today's Dare
I told Pat I love him no matter what. I do this daily anyway so I know that it would not be a surprising statement and I know he feels the same way about me.
If Christ does not beat in my heart, this love is impossible because I will quickly go into self pleasurable behaviors. Whatever I want to do however I see fit. And let me tell you the Christian life is a battlefield. Because there are some days when I live in my flesh completely. BUT those are the days I feel most miserable. Most convicted. I am free when I am obedient to the voice of God.
As Christians, love is the basis of our whole identity. As God's children, He gives us the name "Beloved," which means we are ones who are unconditionally loved by God. The focus of our lives becomes loving God and loving other.
I have not been faithful emotionally to my husband. I've been carrying on a serious emotional affair for an old friend. Its terrible but daily I do my work. Some days are better than others.
Can I love my husband? Yes. And its gets easier by day with the grace of God I have peace in my heart. I'm less angrier and bitter. Sometimes I go through it, usually around my cycle but mostly I don't hate him anymore.
I remember when he and I fought. I didn't know if I should take him back. Many time when I think back, I think to myself I should have left him then. I was so fearful of him. But I loved him and I knew deep down he loved me too and I knew deep down he just lost his temper. It wasn't an ongoing issue--it could have been. But I knew it did not have to be the end for he and I. I believed that I could give it one more shot. Truth be told...I didn't really think that he would never put his hands on me. All I could think is if I make it out alive this time...I'm definitely leaving and I'm not turning back. I kind of hoped for that. I hoped for that because I was tired of him. Tired of the mundane lack luster and controlling obnoxious patheticness that was him AT TIMES. Most times, he was a sweet endearing husband who tried his best. But sometimes---seriously--i wanted to kill myself. Everything with him--the simple things in life he gives me grief. When I think those things--I hate him lol so I try not to think of the once in a blues and think about who he is 85% of the time. A man that loves me and does his best in everything. That counts for a lot.
Today's Dare
I told Pat I love him no matter what. I do this daily anyway so I know that it would not be a surprising statement and I know he feels the same way about me.
If Christ does not beat in my heart, this love is impossible because I will quickly go into self pleasurable behaviors. Whatever I want to do however I see fit. And let me tell you the Christian life is a battlefield. Because there are some days when I live in my flesh completely. BUT those are the days I feel most miserable. Most convicted. I am free when I am obedient to the voice of God.
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