I'm a bad wife

There! I said it! I'm a bad wife.

I've always imagined myself married. Happily married and never really thought about all the things my husband would do but what I would do.

• Cook 
• Clean 
• Look beautiful 
• Greet him @ the door with a newspaper 
• Give him a chance to collect himself (don't bombard him with questions etc.) 
• Make passionate love 

REPEAT

Is it that simple? Is that love? If I do those things consistently will I be happy--will he?

 I've been married for 3 years now... Well... that is, 1186 days OR 3 years, 2 months, 28 days, and I can tell you that, those tasks can demonstrate your love/concern for a person but that is NOT love!

What is love
 There is a specific definition of what Love is/is not and I don't follow a lick of it.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New Living Translation (NLT) 4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

I am often impatient, boastful-check, proud and rude-check, check. I definitely demand my own way. He irritates the heck outta me and I will definitely let him know the days he's done me wrong or annoyed me. I've given up to a degree, lost faith in us, lost faith that he will "get me" and I don't want to endure.

I mean, my marriage is NOT a disease its not bad. I've just been with him since we were teenagers, back when he was a control freak and so anytime he tries to make a decision or convince me of a decision I raise hell.--I have a fear that he will take advantage of me again.  And I will stop at nothing to defend myself at all costs.

 I've known my husband for 11 years. I don't remember the first day we spoke but, its been 11 years knowing/dating each other. We have been through hell and back again, you name the charge--we've probably been there done that. After all the hurt and pain we put each other through, I came out with a lot of unseen battle scars. I don't trust him, I don't like him (his ways, philosophies), I don't respect him and even more so...I don't think he deserves my respect.

 Oh...and here's the kicker...I'M A CHRISTIAN! 

Yep...that's right, I said it. I am a bible toting, verse quoting, tongue talking woman of GOD (pronounced GAWD in this sentence) *insert heavenly backgrounds now* In the Christian world, my attitude and self-righteousness is "OFF"

Learning My Love is weak
This week, we've been learning about the fruit of the Spirit in church (Galations 5:22) and that LOVE is the first attribute. We are learning that the fruit of the spirit has to be developed. It is not made perfect in us immediately because once you get saved, your spirit is immediately reborn. BUT your soul (mind, will, emotions) or the works of the flesh compete with the fruit of the spirit so you have to work hard at enhancing your "Spirit man".

God does this by giving you a test. Well...i've been failing with flying colors...so...uhh yeah I don't want to fail anymore.  

THE LOVE DARE
Yesterday, my pastor, mentioned the love dare during his sermon yesterday, he didn't go into detail about it. But,  I remembered the movie fireproof and was always curious about the Love Dare book but at the time my husband and I were dating and I wasn't the one doing the 'mean stuff' so I had no need for it then.

 BUT.... I NEED IT NOW! I'm a bad, mean surly wife. Bitter an "I don't wanna hear it" wife. I'm mad! Mad at him, disappointed in him.So since God has given me many tests, and I'm pretty sure i've failed many--I need HELP!

With the help of the Love Dare, my Pastor/First Lady's support, Christian counseling-I pray that my marriage can be restored. I believe it can.

This blog/journal is about my journey to a healthy marriage. The tools that i'll be using. The advice i've been given and the transformation that is about to take place.