Love always protects. - 1 Corinthians 13:7
We didn't get married as enemies. We got married as friends. Our marriage was actually very tragic and our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend was very traumatic.
My husband, no fault of his own, but my life around him. I have a very soft spot for. It's hard for me to say no to him. He knows this. He uses it to his advantage--who wouldn't?
I didn't want to get married. I got used to the thought of it. The planning. The partying. The fact that we made it. I looked forward to how "sweet" our love story appeared for face value when I really knew how ugly our love really was.
And then--there was the spiritual side. We didn't want to fall into sin. He wants to make an honest woman out of me. How could I not say "yes" when other guys out there were full of scum. Self-seeking and denied the power of Christ. Why would I want any of them?
But make no mistake about it. This was no dream fairy tale. This was an obligation. On both ends. Maybe that's not such a bad thing? who says that marriage has to be based on all things good?
What I'm saying is that marrying him. And regretting our marriage for 2.5 and having to psych myself often that it was the best decision is only based on what is going on at the time.
I mean---I hated this man year 1 and year 2 I had to psych myself. Force affection. Force love. Force attentiveness. Force myself all the time. Fight to demonstrate and believe it.
Year 1.5 it started to make more sense. I had very little distraction and honestly--as I said...slim pickings out there. I ought to be grateful!!! Because truth is, as I always say. My husband is a good man. So whats my deal? Possibly unrealistic expectations. The other reason is because I hate living in his world. Its foreign to me. We speak differently languages, have different principles, express things differently across the board. So being with him--is constant work. CONSTANT. And he's very compelling and persuasive--should have been a car sales man.
So when I am with him, around him---I am working. So I get tired. I love the thought of being a wife. But being HIS wife? yikes that was tough. Around year 2--he started to lighten up tremendously. Mostly because I was working all the time. We had our fights but nothing crazy. My biggest gripe with him, my constant plea was "you don't know me or seek to know me." He can't help himself. He loves to live in his world. He hates to be uncomfortable. He shows his irritation immediately and is not flexible. So when I was a change of scenery and to live in my world--he can't hang. He buys me things he likes. He has no idea what I don't like lol. ahhh misery. I might as well be alone. But he sharpens me because he doesn't make this love walk easy AT ALL.
By year 2.5 work was getting stressful. When I had a chance to pause. Then the hate and resentment came flooding back.
So I have to get back on track with my marriage. The best part is---my crazy husband is now completly sane. He's so much better. Less rough around the edges. So now, I have GOT TO DO MY PART.
I have to defend and protect our marriage:
The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hand -Proverbs 14:1
Lord help me to gain wisdom. To make smart decisions. help me Lord to not continuously back slide into old thoughts and rationalization. Help me lord to have a stick to my guns mentality. To be courageous in love.
Today's Dare:
Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that is stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.
I am going to stop going on instagram. I have plenty of saved pictures and reminders of inspiration that I can look through daily. They are my "favs" and plus they take up so much space on my phone that to add any of the same and not meditate on what is there is sily.
This will help me to stop seeing or meddling with things I shouldn't. To help me I am going to set up a reminder for me and sign out of IG for the remainder of the year.
No comments:
Post a Comment